One Year Later

I started this blog on the 1st of August 2016, fifteen days before getting my Leaving Cert. results. My optimism and positive outlooks oozes out of the post. Today, as I’m writing this it is one day before Leaving Cert. results are released. More importantly, it is one week until CAO offers. I sit here in my room writing this post, after an eight hour shift, I realise so much has changed.


Physically, my room is different. A new white desk, which is itching to be used for it’s proper purpose – doing assignments. A circular mirror sits on one side of my desk. It is nearly time for this to be moved as we all know I spend way to long looking at myself. Cringe I know, but true. My room is overtly colour co-ordinated, duck-egg blue sheets match the multi-coloured (including duck-egg blue) polka dotted curtains. The photos on my walls have been replaced with new faces – friends I hope to keep for life. You know who are. 

Me – have I changed? Absolutely, hell yeah. Some ways are incredibly obvious, others only my friends and parents can see. Since the 10th of October 2016 until now, I have worn makeup six out of the seven days of the week – every week. My makeup skills have immensely improved. I’ve worked five days a week bar four weeks off. With an average of thirty-six hours a weeks, my year out (10 months), has been jam packed with work. My ability to do ‘small talk’ is astounding and I have completely exhausted ‘the weather’ as a topic for conversation.  

As horrendous as it sounds, it is nearly scary how accustomed you get to, to having abuse hurtled at you. When working with the general public, I have been amazed at what they say. Whether their remarks are cheeky, bold, aggressive, inappropriate or down-right rude, it is truly shocking. Of course, there are wonderful kind people as well. Even though, there are days when you wonder where those people are. 

It is quite funny though, I take such joy out of saying hi to people I know from the area, nights out or school. I get more ‘likes’ from the people who don’t say hi, than the ones that do! Working for the year, has opened my eyes to the ‘Real’ friendships and the ‘False’ ones. I struggled in school to distinguish between proper friends and the people you were just friends with because you sat near them in class. It is easy to get left behind when you’re not doing what everyone else is. I thank those who didn’t forget me.  

Something I never thought about when I started working was friendship. I’ve met some of the best friends I’ve ever had here, at work. In homage to them, ‘Meme Queens & MK’ for life. I’ve met some extremely courageous people in work. Yes, I have only worked in a supermarket, but some of them have really struggled and I am full of admiration towards them. Having ‘the chats’ and banter with a sixty-two year old man became normal. Being plunged into an adult world as a young eighteen year old is not easy. It’s strange how normal everything becomes. Soon nothing fazes you.  

As I am the youngest in my family, I used to say I had two sets of parents – my actual parents and my older sister and brother. Now I have nearly eight other ‘mammies’ and a few extra ‘fathers’. Ironic and slightly sickening as it sounds, I feel like I’m part of another big family. It is like being in school again and everyone is bonded by a specific thing. As well as the friendships I mentioned above, I have made money more. They have all made this year much easier. 

Before, I didn’t have a huge interest in fashion. I knew what was nice and dressed appropriately. Don’t get me wrong, I always looked good – thanks to my mum and sister. I just didn’t really care. Having a hairdressers across from my work definitely helped. I paid such close attention to their cool, hipster black, classic clothes. I think having money also helped. I have grown into my own style. I now made the effort and wear a good – golden – layer of tan for a night out. After much persuasion from my friend B, I bought a bralette. I have since worn in twice and absolutely love it. I have branched out and realised that showing off some skin does not make you stereotypical ‘slut’ or a ‘hoe’. You can do it all in a tasteful manner. I took part in the Irish Hairdressing Championship as a model for a successful hairdresser. This opportunity was completely unexpected and one which I enjoyed very much! 

This leads me on to how my judgement has changed. I have different opinions now on certain topics like ‘Repeal the 8th’ which I will explain in another post. I no longer see things as black and white – good or bad. This is because I have been influenced by other peoples’ stories and experience. My confidence has grown tremendously. I can manage tough situations. I have no fear in a public setting. I care less and less what people think.  

Music has taken a backseat this year, that breaks my heart. I couldn’t go to choir or teach piano because it clashed with my work schedule. I have gone to loads of last minute concerts, as a form of compensation, and one festival. Longitude was amazing. It was the perfect combination of great weather, fun outfits and the best company. A friend had warned me not to ‘become an alcoholic’ as he suspected I would have had lots of free time. I didn’t have too much free time, but I have learned how much alcohol I can handle without being a mess and not having a hangover. Most importantly I don’t need alcohol to have fun. 

So this – my year – is drawing to a close. CAO offers are released on Monday 21st of August. Honestly, I’m scared, so scared. I haven’t slept properly in a bout two and half weeks and am a nervous wreck. I really want Primary School Teaching in Marino Institute of Education. It is 460 points and after converting my points, I have 484. Is it enough? Who knows. Education Studies is 320 and is my third choice and I’ll be delighted with that one too. I’m praying everything will go my way. However, nothing can be as bad as last year. Best of luck with results and offers! I hope you’re happy. No matter what, what’s meant to be will be, so try not to worry!  

Dealing with Disappointment

Honestly, I have no idea whether I’m the best person to give advice on disappointment or not.. But seeing as over the past two months, disappointment completely tore my life apart, I’ll give it a go! Did I handle it well? Absolutely not. Did I cry or get upset? No, not at first, which was probably my one of my biggest mistakes. I should of got angry at the fact that I missed out on the course I had longed for all year, by only five points. But no, I acted as if I was happy, this was in an effort to convince myself I was happy. Maybe if I gotten angry and sad straight away, my feelings wouldn’t have grown with such intensity. 

I feel like social media is one of the worst culprits in strengthening the pain of disappointment. When the Leaving Cert., results came out, everyone posted online about how happy they were and this continued following CAO offers. Don’t get me wrong, fair play to them! They worked hard and deserved to get what they wanted and be happy. But I couldn’t stop thinking where is my happiness? I worked extremely hard, so where was my reward? They say “What’s for you won’t pass you” and I kept thinking “Well why did it pass me?!” Once again, as soon as college had started everyone’s Snapchat Stories looked so much more fun and enjoyable than my own college experience. I had one thought that I could fall back on, I knew that what people post online, wasn’t always true. No one depicts their life to be completely awful online, even when it might be.  

So here’s my advice to you, if you are feeling really down and disappointed: 

•  Let yourself cry & be disappointed

With time, the pain does go away, trust me. You are allowed be disappointed for a time  

•  Talk about it

I never hid the fact I was utterly disappointed from my family, friends or even just acquaintances from school. People do use this (not talking) as a mechanism to deal with disappointment, but I don’t think that is healthy. Even if you choose not to tell people, I think it is important to tell your family. Remember as the Cycle Against Suicide message states “It’s ok not to feel ok & it’s ok to ask for help”.

•   Acceptance 

Face the facts, it may be hard but, this is your life now & face it head on. Do the best you can, because at the end of the day, that is all you can ever do!

•  Be positive  

I’m not saying force yourself to like your situation, but if you come at it at angle with a positive mindset. It is better than a negative one. It can’t hurt to try it. Maybe you will enjoy it! You’ll never know unless you try!

My best piece of advice is to trust your gut. You just know if something isn’t right for you. Think about yourself, who cares what people will say or think. In reality you not truly value what you or your family & friends think. They are the people & opinions that matter most!! I hope this advice helped, if not, remember everyone is trying to find their own way in this tricky muddled world. You will get through this my friend. Best of luck! X 

Well that was a Disaster

Two weeks into college & I hate it. Ok, there is a lot you don’t know. As soon as I opened my results of the 17th of August 2016, my whole life began to crumble. Long story short, my expectations (which are visible from my previous post), were too high. I got 490 points & was bitterly disappointed that I didn’t break the 500s. Around twenty minutes after receiving & recalculating my points over and over again, I began to sob. It was quarter to ten in the morning and the tears didn’t stop until one o o’clock. My parents & siblings were delighted with my results, but I still felt as if I had let myself down. I was not proud of my results, and honestly, I’m still not. Subject-wise, I was happy with most of my grades, bar one or two. Annoyingly enough, they just didn’t add to the correct figure. 

It was as if a cloud had settled over me, and I was hoping & praying that it would pass as soon as the following Monday, when CAO offers came out. As expected, well at least I thought it was expected, I got an offer of Arts in Maynooth. In an effort to make myself feel excited about college, I posted online & on social media to show everyone my own ‘happiness’. During that day, my actual unhappiness began to reveal itself. Once again, I began to sob my heart out in my mother’s arms. I was so gutted I wasn’t going to be in college in Dublin. Never in a million years, would I have ever anticipated a reaction like this. Slowly, I began to spiral deep into a hole of bitter disappointment & utter sadness. 

Despite my sadness, I was still determined to go to Maynooth and ‘give it ago’. I was secretly hoping that I would fall in love with the place, and never want to leave. My parents did everything to make me feel positive and hopeful when I thought of Maynooth. A week before college began, my father took me to the campus on a Sunday. It was disastrous, I hated it there. I felt as if I didn’t like the atmosphere, but of course I did, the campus was empty! Silly me, it was the weekend! I kept envisioning the campus crowded with people and I slowly started to feel a bit better. 

Positivity was the way in which, I managed to get through the dreaded Leaving Cert., but sadly that girl was gone. Everything appeared to be grey. I was irritable, negative, constantly stressed and sad. I no longer liked myself, but didn’t know how to make myself feel better, feel like myself. These feelings began to fester and waves of anxiety that I had previously felt in fifth year started to intensify. Throughout all the confusion, I was constantly talking to my family and the advice they offered was amazing. My mother encouraged me to listen to relaxation podcasts. Today, it is the 6th of October and I have listened to them everyday since. I started listening to them three times a days and slowly reduced it to once a day. However, some days are worse than others so I have to listen to maybe two or three a day. The most valuable thing I learned was that it’s ok to have bad days. Anxiety doesn’t just go overnight and I need to deal with it. Slowly, I am learning what steps to take in order to keep my anxiety levels low. Everything I experienced/ am experiencing is normal. Sometimes people don’t have to deal with these issues until later in life, but now it’s my turn, and that is ok! 

Once college started, I threw myself into my work. I didn’t want a build up of work to contribute to me not liking college. I tried to make friends, which is incredibly hard when you do an arts degree, because your lectures are so big. You could have three hundred people in one lecture. My schedule was nice, with only ten hours, but I like structure so all the free time didn’t suit me. Some days I would have a lecture at 9am and then not another until 5pm. The workload wasn’t too heavy so it was hard to fill my spare time, but I did my best. I spent a lot of my time either with people I knew from school or by myself. I am an outgoing person and I love making new friends. I never realised it would be so challenging.  

I began to chart my days out of ten. They never reached over five. Probably the most frustrating thing I found about college, was the lack of independence. My mother had to drop me to the bus stop in the nearest town in order to the bus to Maynooth, because the bus didn’t stop where I live. I always had to depend on my mother, when my brother who goes to college in Dublin could just get the bus from where we live. It wouldn’t matter to some, but for me it was an issue that drove, excuse the pun, me insane.

After two months of bitter disappointment, I was slowly getting to grips with the fact that, this was my life now. However, this didn’t bring me any joy. The hole of sadness was getting deeper and transformed into a tunnel of darkness. I saw no light, I wasn’t hopeful and trying to think positive all time, when you constantly feel down, is exhausting. The idea of dropping out of college, had always been in the back of my mind. Luckily, my parents were completely understanding because they knew how unhappy I was. That being said, it wasn’t a decision I made overnight and honestly, it wasn’t an easy one. There was lots I had to consider: what would I do for the year?, Was I just struggling to settle in?, Would things get better, if I gave it more time?, What will I do next year?, and Is this the right decision?. As soon as dropping out, started to appear as the correct decision, the once dark, grey tunnel began to get brighter.  

So that’s what I did, I dropped out of college. Luckily enough, before the 31st of October so the college fees my parents paid will be refunded. Now I have a clean slate for next year. I already have thoughts forming of what I would like to do. I picked the wrong course this year, a simple mistake, which is not going to define my life. Repeating the Leaving Cert., wasn’t a solution in my case, but it may be in your case. I will work for the year and in the process, grow and mature as an individual. What seemed as a disaster at the time, fingers crossed, won’t always seem as one. Onwards and upwards from here! 

Leaving Cert., Results 2016

If you have recently completed your Leaving Cert., it’s safe to say that the nerves have well and truly settled in. For me, the nerves only began a few days ago, yet for some of my friends, their anxiety levels have been high since finishing the exams. To be honest, it annoys me that there is such apprehension surrounding the results. Of course, it is a daunting thought that many of our futures are heavily influenced by these grades. The famous words of my mother, ‘There is more than one way to skin a cat’, keep me hopeful for whatever the future entails. However, I try not to spend time worrying over the results because it is out of our hands. The exams are done, and I presume, a large portion of subjects are already corrected. We can’t change what we have written, but I find it so frustrating and almost exciting that someone out there, knows my result in one subject or another.  

During July, I only allowed my brain to go as far imagine an examiner read the beginning of my ‘Wuthering Heights’ question for English or my examination number, and then I would shut all thoughts out. I really can’t do anything about it now. Probably my biggest fear is not beating the points I got in my Mock Exams. This is my own personal goal, which I would love to achieve. Of course, some papers were easier in February, with hints from teachers and grind schools. Unlike me, some students knew what was likely to come up on the papers as their friends in other schools, had already sat the same exams. 

My passion is History, so I would like to do Arts, whether that be in Trinity or Maynooth. My CAO is cleverly laid out, so even if I do get less points than I did in my mocks, I will still be able to do History in college. I made sure I would be happy, maybe not delighted with choices 8-10, but happy with every course on my CAO. Honestly, I’m bracing myself for disappointment on the 17th of August, in case I don’t reach my points goal. This will be, because of the hard work I put in throughout the last two years, especially after February. However, I know it will all work out because in the end, I will be doing a course I like. I find myself being lucky, as the course I would like ranges from high 500 points to early 300 points, depending on which college I get. If you are not in this situation, I wish you all the luck in the world and remember there is more than one way to skin a cat! It’s time to put the worrying aside for awhile, until the night before, when I know my own stomach will be in knots! 

Good Luck Fellow Students of 2016!